120 Funny Quotes That Will Raise Your Mood Even If the Times Are Difficult (2024)

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• «Whoever established the high road and how high itshould beshould befired.»— Sandra Bullock
• «Ilike mymoney whereI can seeit: hanging inmycloset.»— Sarah Jessica Parker
• «I’m killing time whileI wait for life toshower mewith meaning and happiness.»— Bill Watterson
• «The suspense isterrible. Ihope it’ll last.»— Oscar Wilde
• «Why dothey call itrush hour when nothing moves?»— Robin Williams
• «Myability toturn good news into anxiety isrivaled only bymyability toturn anxiety into chin acne.»— Tina Fey
• «Don’t besohumble— you are not that great.» ― Golda Meir
• «Ifyou can’t bekind, atleast bevague.» ― Judith Martin
• «Before you marry aperson, you should first make them use acomputer with slow Internet service tosee who they really are.»— Will Ferrell
• «Itold mywife the truth. Itold herI was seeing apsychiatrist. Then she told methe truth: that she was seeing apsychiatrist, two plumbers, and abartender.» ― Rodney Dangerfield
• «Iused tobeindecisive. Now I’m not sure.» ― Tommy Cooper
• «People who think they know everything are agreat annoyance tothose ofus whodo.» ― Isaac Asimov
• «Behind every great man isawoman rolling her eyes.» ― Jim Carrey
• «I’m not superstitious, but Iam alittle stitious.» ― Michael Scott (Steve Carell) inThe Office
• «Iam soclever that sometimesI don’t understand asingle word ofwhat Iam saying.» ― Oscar Wilde
• «Ihaven’t spoken tomywife inyears. Ididn’t want tointerrupt her.» ― Rodney Dangerfield
• «I’m not avegetarian becauseI love animals. I’m avegetarian becauseI hate plants.» ― A. Whitney Brown
• «I’m anidealist. Idon’t know where I’m going, but I’m onmyway.»— Carl Sandburg
• «Iintend tolive forever. Sofar, sogood.»— Steven Wright
• «I’m not lazy, I’m onenergy-saving mode.»— Unknown
• «Idon’t need ahair stylist, mypillow gives meanew hairstyle every morning.»— Unknown
• «I’m sogood atsleeping, Ican doitwith myeyes closed.»— Unknown
• «I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.»— Unknown
• «I’m sobroke, Ican’t even afford myfree time.»— Unknown

• «Get your facts first, then you can distort them asyou please.»— Mark Twain
• «Ifatfirst, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.»— Steven Wright
• «Abank isaplace that will lend you money ifyou can prove that you don’t needit.»— Bob Hope
• «Noman has agood enough memory tobeasuccessful liar.»— Abraham Lincoln
• «Ihave enough money tolast methe rest ofmylife, unlessI buy something.»— Jackie Mason
• «Iftwo wrongs don’t make aright, try three.»— Laurence J. Peter
• «Iwant mychildren tohave all the thingsI couldn’t afford. Then Iwant tomove inwith them.»— Phyllis Diller
• «Idon’t suffer from insanity, Ienjoy every minute ofit.»— Edgar Allan Poe
• «Ifyou think you are too small tomake adifference, try sleeping with amosquito.»— Dalai Lama
• «Mygrandmother started walking five miles aday when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and wedon’t know where the heck sheis.»— Ellen DeGeneres
• «Ialways wanted tobesomebody, but nowI realizeI should have been more specific.»— Lily Tomlin
• «Aclear conscience isasure sign ofabad memory.»— Mark Twain
• «The hardest thing inthe world tounderstand isthe income tax.»— Albert Einstein
• «I’m not addicted tochocolate. Chocolate isaddicted tome.»— Unknown
• «Ifyou’re going todosomething tonight that you’ll besorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.»— Henny Youngman
• «I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.»— Unknown
• «I’m not shy, I’m just holding back myawesomeness, soI don’t intimidate you.»— Unknown
• «I’m soold, Iremember when emojis were called ’hieroglyphics’.» — Unknown
• «Mybed isamagical place whereI suddenly remember everythingI forgot todo.»— Unknown
• «Idon’t need anger management. Ineed people tostop making memad.»— Unknown
• «I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.»— Unknown
• «The best way tocheer yourself upistotry tocheer somebody elseup.»— Mark Twain
• «Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.»— Theodore Roosevelt
• «Happiness isnot something ready-made. Itcomes from your own actions.»— Dalai Lama

• «I’m anexcellent housekeeper. Every timeI get adivorce, Ikeep the house.»— Zsa Zsa Gabor
• «Wemay encounter many defeats, but wemust not bedefeated.»— Maya Angelou
• «Noact ofkindness, nomatter how small, isever wasted.»— Aesop
• «Life islike riding abicycle. Tokeep your balance, you must keep moving.»— Albert Einstein
• «The greatest pleasure inlife isdoing what people say you cannotdo.»— Walter Bagehot
• «Joy isnot inthings; itisinus.»— Richard Wagner
• «Laughter istimeless, imagination has noage, dreams are forever.»— Walt Disney
• «Wherever yougo, nomatter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.»— Anthony J. D’Angelo
• «The only source ofknowledge isexperience.»— Albert Einstein
• «Believe inyourself and all that you are. Know that there issomething inside you that isgreater than any obstacle.»— Christian D. Larson
• «The way toget started istoquit talking and begin doing.»— Walt Disney
• «Life iswhat wemakeit, always has been, always willbe.»— Grandma Moses
• «Success isnot final, failure isnot fatal: Itisthe courage tocontinue that counts.»— Winston Churchill
• «The power ofimagination makesus infinite.»— John Muir
• «Donot wait for leaders; doitalone, person toperson.»— Mother Teresa
• «Life iseither adaring adventure ornothing atall.»— Helen Keller
• «The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there isinlife tocelebrate.»— Oprah Winfrey
• «Dowhat you can, with what you have, where you are.»— Theodore Roosevelt
• «The best and most beautiful things inthe world cannot beseen oreven touched— they must befelt with the heart.»— Helen Keller
• «Happiness isnot bychance, but bychoice.»— Jim Rohn
• «Change your thoughts, and you change your world.»— Norman Vincent Peale
• «The secret ofgetting ahead isgetting started.»— Mark Twain
• «Irefuse tojoin any club that would have measamember.»— Groucho Marx
• «The only way toget rid oftemptation istoyield toit.»— Oscar Wilde

• «Iam free ofall prejudice. Idon’t like everyone equally.»— W.C. Fields
• «Aday without sunshine islike, you know, night.»— Steve Martin
• «The secret oflife ishonesty and fair dealing. Ifyou can fake that, you’ve got itmade.»— Groucho Marx
• «I’ve had aperfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.»— Groucho Marx
• «Spread love everywhere yougo. Let noone ever come toyou without leaving happier.»— Mother Teresa
• «Apessimist isaperson who has had tolisten totoo many optimists.»— Don Marquis
• «Idon’t need you toremind meofmyage. Ihave abladder todothat forme.»— Stephen Fry
• «Some cause happiness wherever theygo; others whenever theygo.»— Oscar Wilde
• «Asuccessful man isone who makes more money than his wife can spend. Asuccessful woman isone who can find such aman.»— Lana Turner
• «Clothes make the man. Naked people have little ornoinfluence onsociety.»— Mark Twain
• «Inthe middle ofdifficulty lies opportunity.»— Albert Einstein
• «Mydoctor gave mesix months tolive, but whenI couldn’t pay the bill, hegave mesix months more.»— Walter Matthau
• «I’m all infavor ofkeeping dangerous weapons out ofthe hands offools. Let’s start with typewriters.»— Frank Lloyd Wright
• «There’s afine line between genius and insanity. Ihave erased this line.»— Oscar Levant
• «The only time tobuy these isonaday with no ’y’ init.»— Warren Buffett
• «All generalizations are false, including this one.»— Mark Twain
• «I’m writing abook. I’ve got the page numbers done.» ― Steven Wright
• «I’ve had bad luck with both mywives. The first one left meand the second one didn’t.»— Patrick Murray
• «Inever drink water because ofthe disgusting things that fish doinit.»— W.C. Fields
• «The man who says his wife can’t take ajoke, forgets that she took him.»— Oscar Wilde
• «Idon’t believe inastrology; I’m aSagittarius, and we’re skeptical.»— Arthur C. Clarke
• «Ifyou think nobody cares ifyou’re alive, try missing acouple ofcar payments.»— Earl Wilson
• «The trouble with being punctual isthat nobody’s there toappreciateit.»— Franklin P. Jones
• «Would Irather befeared orloved? Easy. Both. Iwant people tobeafraid ofhow much they loveme.»— Michael Scott, The Office

• «Age isofnoimportance unless you’re acheese.»— Billie Burke
• «Keep your face always toward the sunshine—and shadows will fall behind you.»— Walt Whitman
• «You are never too old toset another goal ortodream anew dream.»— C.S. Lewis
• «The only way todogreat work istolove what youdo.»— Steve Jobs
• «Every moment isafresh beginning.»— T.S. Eliot
• «The future belongs tothose who believe inthe beauty oftheir dreams.»— Eleanor Roosevelt
• «Success isnot the key tohappiness. Happiness isthe key tosuccess. Ifyou love what you are doing, you will besuccessful.»— Albert Schweitzer
• «The only limit toour realization oftomorrow will beour doubts oftoday.»— Franklin D. Roosevelt
• «It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you getup.»— Vince Lombardi
• «When you arise inthe morning, think ofwhat aprecious privilege itistobealive—to breathe, tothink, toenjoy, tolove.»— Marcus Aurelius
• «Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because ithappened.»— Dr. Seuss
• «The greatest glory inliving lies not innever falling, but inrising every time wefall.»— Nelson Mandela
• «The most wasted ofdays isone without laughter.»— E.E. Cummings
• «The happiness ofyour life depends upon the quality ofyour thoughts.»— Marcus Aurelius
• «You are the master ofyour destiny. You can influence, direct, and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want ittobe.»— Napoleon Hill
• «Optimism isthe faith that leads toachievement. Nothing can bedone without hope and confidence.»— Helen Keller
• «You are the hero ofyour own story.»— Joseph Campbell
• «Life isajourney, not adestination.»— Ralph Waldo Emerson
• «The sun himself isweak when hefirst rises, and gathers strength and courage asthe day getson.»— Charles Dickens
• «The best way topredict the future istocreateit.»— Abraham Lincoln
• «You must bethe change you wish tosee inthe world.»— Mahatma Gandhi
• «With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.»— Eleanor Roosevelt
• «Tothe world you may beone person, but toone person you may bethe world.»— Dr. Seuss
• «Asmile isacurve that sets everything straight.»— Phyllis Diller

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